things oskar schell has taught me.

"if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding."

this is a line from the trailer of the best novel i've read so far in my life, "extremely loud and incredibly close". i havent read many novels in my life; reading is a new thing for me. but i'm fairly certain this one is going to be hard to top. i love the story. i love the way it's written. the words the author uses to express things is simply beautiful and unique.

i havent finished the book yet. i'm trying to read it slowly because i dont want to finish it. i want it to go on forever. but at the same time, i really, really want to know how it ends. and i really, really want to watch the movie. i decided early on that i want to read the ending, before i see it. i just hope it's at least three fourths as good as the book is. i dont want the movie to ruin my view of the story. i bet it'll be great, though. i hope it will be. 

two nights ago, i was at redbox looking for a movie to get. i pressed the little arrow on the right side of the screen and there it was. my heart jumped and my finger was quickly on it's way to click on it, but then it curled up. i thought for a minute, debating with myself on whether or not to get it. i decided not to, for the 20th time now.

i heard this quote when i watched the trailer last night, and it's still ringing in my head. "if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding." the thing i want most in my life as of today, and as of the past nine months, is an answer. many answers, actually. i want to know the reason for the things that have happened, and those that are happening. i want to know how everything will be resolved. and for the love of everything good, i want my senior year to be over. i want to know what i want to do with my life, and where i'll be in a year.

but, "if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding." these answers and resolutions i'm so desperately searching for arent showing themselves. i see many possible outcomes, but which one is the right one? i just want a hint. even a tiny one. i want to know what to do.

sometimes while reading "extremely loud and incredibly close", i get a very strong desire to skip ahead a few chapters, or to the very end to see what happens. but i know that if i do that, the end will be ruined. the beauty i love so much about this book will be spoiled if i find out the ending before it's time.

it's the same way with my life, i've realized. the outcome will be beautiful in one way or another, i know. if i find out the ending before it's time, it will be ruined and i wont learn the lessons i'm supposed to on the way.
...like i even have a choice...

anyway. i believe that everything does happen for a reason. i believe God designs each of our lives perfectly and nothing happens just because, or on accident. isnt that comforting? our "destiny" isnt in our hands. it's already been decided. everything is planned out perfectly. everything. what you'll eat for dinner tomorrow, where you'll go to college, where you'll be in five years, the boy whose last name you'll take one day or the girl you'll give yours to, the time your firstborn will take their first breath, where you'll die and everything in between. that takes a lot of pressure off, doesnt it? all we have to do is trust Him with everything and do what He tells us to.

these troubles i've been living with lately probably wont be ending any time soon. they're the questions i've been wanting to find the answers to. they're not going to come easy. they havent yet. so, i guess they'll be pretty dang worth finding.