Showing posts with label writings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writings. Show all posts

Saturday, May 4, 2013

with everything i have

sometimes i put two fingers where my neck and chin meet to feel my pulse. it's comforting somehow to feel my heart beat, because that's all it's ever done. and it will continue to until God makes it stop.

my heart has pumped my blood through my body ever since i began to exist, no matter what was happening outside of my body. it's beat fast the times i've been scared out my mind, nervous and excited to the point of hysteria, and it's beat in slow motion it seems, when the foundations of my life were ripped out from under me, and it's even skipped beats. many times it's skipped beats...

it's swelled with love and other tender feelings almost to the point where i thought it'd burst if one more ounce of happy was sprinkled in. it's been stretched. many times i've doubted it could get any bigger, but then somehow it did. that's one thing i'll never fully understand, but fully love. 

i've lived through many situations where everything was so confusing, terrifying, terribly exciting, unsure, treacherous, devastating, utterly joyous and just so completely overwhelming and hard to understand that the only thing i was sure of - even more sure of than having breath, because sometimes i didn't even have that - was that my heart was beating. crazy fast, uncomfortably slow, excitingly uneven, noticeably and embarrassingly hard, or almost not at all - however it did it, it did it. and it's doing it right now. and though that's sometimes the only thing i'm sure of, it's enough.

written july 16, 2012

Friday, March 15, 2013

the breaking of silence...

i'm sitting in an empty bar writing this. it's a little cold and kind of smells like toothpaste. i hear the chefs and bartender talking about last night. it sounds like it was pretty rough, involving a drunk man and a woman who stormed out. i think it might be exciting to work at a bar. i dont know.

so i would apologize to you for not writing in so long, but i'm not gonna. this is my blog. you dont pay me to write to you. and it's really hard to have ideas all the time and spit them out to you weekly. so if i update this blog in a quarterly fashion, i dang well will. so dont harass me anymore...you know who you are.

now with that out of the way, back to whatever i was thinking this post would be about. in this empty bar, the coffee is astounding. it deserves an appearance on here...
i'm drinking it pretty dark, too, which is bold of me.

the big, burly head chef complete with cut-off sleeves, a bandana, a mohawk, a beard and tattoos just told me, "if you want any food, just let us know." that might just be one of the best things a man's ever said to me...yeah, i'm just being dramatic because i'm really hungry...and i guess it would make sense now to tell you that i'm at the restaurant my mother works at. she's in the back baking right now, so i'm just here, chilling, drinking coffee and listening to music. this is fun. and FREE FOOD from a real nice restaurant?! heck yes please. 

i went to asheville recently with my good friend sydney. we went to visit my old roommates jesse, ruth and max. and the unborn one. it was a lot of fun and asheville is amazing. it's the city of bearded men, health nuts, and mountain dwellers. we loved it. especially syd. i think she may have left her heart there...

i had a cough the whole time we were there and that's when i found out syd is a real friend. my hacking got worse at night. like, a lot worse. each night when i would lay down, it wouldnt stop for like, an hour. we shared a room, so it was super annoying for both of us. i felt really bad cause i knew syd wanted to kill me. she was probably laying there fantasizing about holding a pillow over my face until the coughing stopped. for good. but she didnt do that, and i'm really thankful. she was so kind about it, too. she's normally a feisty character, saying what she thinks, and she tends to have an attitude too. in a good way though. i guess. but she didnt yell at me or hit me or anything. anyway syd, thanks. you're a nice friend. 

max the toddler was a gem the entire time. he's my favorite kid. i can say that because my nephew hasnt been born yet. one of my favorite things about him, is that he would run around the house wearing a blue plastic bowl on his head. his "helmet". it fit his head perfectly, and pushed his long, golden hair down into his eyes so he would have to tilt his head up even further than normal to look at you. it was heartbreakingly adorable. it was also weird to me that he was actually running around the house, and that he knows a good bit of english now. when he left me, he didnt do or know these things. it was like he was a different kid, but he was definitely still max. he has a character and sense of humor very much his own, and i love that. 

one our way back, we starved ourselves until we got back to atlanta, and then we stopped for food. we went to 'which wich' in atlantic station and sat outside. we were both eating there silently, just people watching, when we saw a touristy looking lady and gent walk by. syd rolled her eyes and i shook my head as we both had the same thought. the people passing us on that sunday afternoon in atlanta were so fancy and expensive looking. incredibly different than asheville. all the boys looked like black rappers which, who knows, they might have been, and the girls looked like their feet were killing them in those heels, but they probably werent cause they wear them so much. asheville is the city of hippies and artists. we went to greenlife, which is a whole foods market a few times. the first time we went there, we walked out and saw a bearded man playing a guitar and singing on the sidewalk. he was good, too. he was just one of the many street musicians we saw. and another time we went, i saw a man eating a big raw carrot, a huge wooden bowl full of blueberries, and a raw orange pepper. it was beautiful. it wasnt weird. asheville isnt weird and the people there arent weird. we didnt think that either. we loved everything. we were like little kids, wide-eyed and soaking up every inch. the difference between there and here, is just that here, everyone is so normal and sane. and there's hardly any art or talent or creativity here. in asheville, art is everywhere. anywhere you turn. here, you have to travel to see something artistic. just about the most creative thing you see around here is the hipster at starbucks putting a filter -or two, if they're "nonconformists"- on that photo of their latte they just took for the umpteenth time. 

but i know the grass is always greener on the other side...though i highly doubt it.

i just told them i'd like fried shrimp because that's my favorite food, i think. 
mom is now talking with the head chef planning the menu for a wine dinner coming up...i'm so proud. 

in other news, I GOT A JOB! i'm so incredibly thankful! it was an answer to prayer. i've been trying HARD to get a job since last year, and God has really blessed me with this. i will be the newest "event specialist" at the local sam's club. holla.

 lesson here, kids: patience pays off. how much, you ask? $10.25 an hour. that's how much. WOO!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

things oskar schell has taught me.

"if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding."

this is a line from the trailer of the best novel i've read so far in my life, "extremely loud and incredibly close". i havent read many novels in my life; reading is a new thing for me. but i'm fairly certain this one is going to be hard to top. i love the story. i love the way it's written. the words the author uses to express things is simply beautiful and unique.


i havent finished the book yet. i'm trying to read it slowly because i dont want to finish it. i want it to go on forever. but at the same time, i really, really want to know how it ends. and i really, really want to watch the movie. i decided early on that i want to read the ending, before i see it. i just hope it's at least three fourths as good as the book is. i dont want the movie to ruin my view of the story. i bet it'll be great, though. i hope it will be. 


two nights ago, i was at redbox looking for a movie to get. i pressed the little arrow on the right side of the screen and there it was. my heart jumped and my finger was quickly on it's way to click on it, but then it curled up. i thought for a minute, debating with myself on whether or not to get it. i decided not to, for the 20th time now.

i heard this quote when i watched the trailer last night, and it's still ringing in my head. "if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding." the thing i want most in my life as of today, and as of the past nine months, is an answer. many answers, actually. i want to know the reason for the things that have happened, and those that are happening. i want to know how everything will be resolved. and for the love of everything good, i want my senior year to be over. i want to know what i want to do with my life, and where i'll be in a year.

but, "if things were easy to find, they wouldnt be worth finding." these answers and resolutions i'm so desperately searching for arent showing themselves. i see many possible outcomes, but which one is the right one? i just want a hint. even a tiny one. i want to know what to do.


sometimes while reading "extremely loud and incredibly close", i get a very strong desire to skip ahead a few chapters, or to the very end to see what happens. but i know that if i do that, the end will be ruined. the beauty i love so much about this book will be spoiled if i find out the ending before it's time.


it's the same way with my life, i've realized. the outcome will be beautiful in one way or another, i know. if i find out the ending before it's time, it will be ruined and i wont learn the lessons i'm supposed to on the way.
...like i even have a choice...

anyway. i believe that everything does happen for a reason. i believe God designs each of our lives perfectly and nothing happens just because, or on accident. isnt that comforting? our "destiny" isnt in our hands. it's already been decided. everything is planned out perfectly. everything. what you'll eat for dinner tomorrow, where you'll go to college, where you'll be in five years, the boy whose last name you'll take one day or the girl you'll give yours to, the time your firstborn will take their first breath, where you'll die and everything in between. that takes a lot of pressure off, doesnt it? all we have to do is trust Him with everything and do what He tells us to.


these troubles i've been living with lately probably wont be ending any time soon. they're the questions i've been wanting to find the answers to. they're not going to come easy. they havent yet. so, i guess they'll be pretty dang worth finding.





Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
only the shallow know themselves. -oscar wilde