signing into the real world.

as i pushed the "submit" button, i didnt imagine i'd soon be laying on the floor in my room, staring at the ceiling thinking, 'what the heck have i done.'

i applied at a place that isnt exactly "me". i'm embarrassed to say where. if i get the job, i'll say. but if i dont, we can all just forget about it.

i was thinking earlier this week that i should probably call the manager just to 'follow up' and whatnot, but then i thought, "oh no no no...what if i get the job?!" i'm really not going to say where i applied, but i'll give you a hint. i cant walk into the store, much less consume their products without getting very sick.

so there i was. with my two dominicans next to me, one yelling at me in disbelief and disappointment and the other one in encouragement. i tuned both of them out because i was determined and i applied for that very unhealthy job.

i did it because i was scared. i was desperate. i was high on waffle house coffee, pure adrenaline and the spontaneity that comes from being young the night that i applied. we were sitting there, in waffle house, and emily jokingly suggested that i apply at this place. we all laughed, but i pondered the idea for about 45 seconds then jumped out of the booth and declared that i was going to do it. they didnt think i was serious, and neither did i. finally i convinced emily to drive me there, and we were off. on our way to do something kind of stupid, but kind of mature. i shook a little inside. leslie screamed at me the entire way there. i thought it was the end. i thought that this night, this gross decision i had just made would be the thing that ruined our friendship. i wasnt very confident she would ever forgive me. but i knew i had to do it. it was going to be a good thing if i got that job, and leslie would forgive me.

but that was then, this is now. the regret and nervousness has set in. i do not want to associate myself so closely with a place i'm so strongly against. which makes very grateful that my stepfather and i went out last night to get some other applications. it's taken a lot of pressure off. and it also means as of now, eleven business, i believe, have my information. while that's a good thing, i'm so dang tired of the process...

you have to tell every little detail about yourself by filling out a twenty (roughly) page application and then -if you're lucky- a 75 question online survey filled with "what would you do if..." and "what does it mean that *insert a string of professional business terms here*?" questions which really stink if you're as indecisive and ignorant as me. i thought about attaching a vile of my blood to the back of each application so that they could further test me. you know, just in case the boatload of information i gave wasnt enough.

if no one hires me, i'm leaving the state.

that's all.