Tuesday, November 20, 2012
about love and the fear of being closed into small spaces
the first night they were here, my two girl cousins and i slept in my bed. alllll three of us. we had to. and no, i dont have a very large bed. we all had to lay on our sides and spoon, basically. and if one of us wanted to roll over, we all had to. it was a pretty synchronized process, i must say. the only bright side there was that they're both smaller than me. so that gave us a little more room. not much at all, but a little.
and the second night, hannah, my eleven year old cousin had a fever, fortunately. i mean unfortunately. so she had to sleep on a little cot on the floor. so, great! more room for me and maddie, right?! wrong. we started out sleeping normally on either side of the bed, not touching. it was great. i loved it. but throughout the night, maddie's detachment issues kicked in and, like a suction cup, she was attached to my back like i was shielding her from something. and then my dog, my sweet little dog, she curled tightly up into the L-shaped space created by my stomach and legs when i'm in the fetal position.
i woke up many times throughout the night, trying to move but being totally unsuccessful. i moved right- there's maddie. i moved left- there's the bean. i was completely sandwiched. so i just stared into the darkness, my back aching from not being able to move, and i repeated this thought in my head as a way of convincing myself, "remember you love them...remember you love them..."
"love cures all ills". including claustrophobia.